Snail breeding

For those of you that have never had a phone call with my mother (which is 99.9% of my blog readers) you are really missing out on an experience.  My mom is awesome.  I love her, I really really do.  In fact, she is a big part of the random funny shit in my life.  Without her I would have a lot less laughs and less random funny shit to blog about.
As for phone calls with my mom, she goes in spurts.  Sometimes she is too preoccupied to spend very long on the phone.  Other times she is bored and you can't get her off the line.  It appears we are in a very long phase of the latter.  I tried this the other day:
Mom:  "Wa wa wa wa, yada yada yada"
Me:  "OK, mom, I gotta go.  Jake shit his pants."
Mom:  "OK, honey.  Well, you take care.  Oh and did I tell you that so and so yada yadaed . . . "
Me: "No mom, you didn't.  But the shit is starting to leak.  Really gotta go."
Mom: "Oh, OK.  Well, I love you and tell Jake and Rob hi.  And, Oh I forgot to tell you who I ran into yesterday."
Me:  (just testing her, but I really did say this)  Mom the house is on fire, Jake is on the roof and shit is leaking out of his pants.*
Mom: "So, how is Jake doing?  Is he practicing his letters?  Tell him Grandpa has money for his wallet if he is good."
Me:  Oh for the love of God and all that is holy.  "Mom!!!!!  Shit is leaking out of my son's pants and he is running around the house with his handcuffs* trying to arrest the dog.  Must. go. now.  Will. call. later.  Love you!
Mom: "Love you too, sweetheart.  Miss you all and. . .
Me: Click
Anywho, today I called my mom to vent about a sad story at work that I just couldn't get off my mind and the first question out of her mouth was: "Have the snails reproduced lately or were your birth control methods effective this time?"
The sad part is she isn't crazy or imaging things,* we really do have horny snails.
Several years ago I went all "I'm gonna have an aquarium and watch the relaxing sea life."  I figured let's make this as fun and as different as possible and purchased four small snails, too.  All fish and snails were properly named and accounted for daily.  Within a few months the 1" snails grew to be the size of ping pong balls and one almost got as big as a tennis ball.
Then one day my husband says: "I think we need to separate those two.  Gary* is gonna kill Gary Jr."
I reply with: "I dont' think we have to worry about any snails perishing.  But, I think Gary Jr. needs a new name."
Within 36 hours there were 4 eggs sacs inside the hood of the aquarium.  They were discovered after we found Greenly* in the middle of the kitchen floor one morning.  Shattered shell and all.  Jake was hysterical that Greenly was going to die.  Breakfast was put on hold while we super glued (not kidding) her shell back together and reintroduced her to the tank.  Turns out snails completely leave the water to lay their eggs and Greenly wasn't bright enough to "fall" back into the water and got a little lost trying to get back home.
Well, I thought this would be a great life lesson and began researching snail reproduction, gestational periods and preforming daily baby snail monitoring. 
What I didn't realized is the survival rate is extremely high and within 6 months we had hundreds (not kidding, again) of snails.  I was buying vegetables and algae tablets weekly for these buggers.  And with that population in my 10 gallon tank, things got dirty quick.
After about a year of this love fest I decided to intervene.  Don't tell the EPA, but the Chagrin River was populated with snails by my husband*. 
I felt so guilty for "killing*" the snails that I actually cried during communion on Sunday.  Yes, I really did and yes, I really did feel guilty.  I am kind of over it now. 
So, that is why the phone conversation with my mother today involved the serious question of "Have the snails reproduced lately or were your birth control methods effective this time?"
I love my mom.

And all I wanted was a nice picture of the two of us.  This was taken when we took her from the home on a day pass.

*I may have been testing her this time, but I have no doubt this situation will be a reality at some point in home.  No doubt.
*Yes, my son has metal handcuffs.  And a sheriff badge, hat, police car power wheels, tickets, and a cap gun.
*Although sometimes she does imagine things.
*Spongebob lovers unite!
*Of course she was green and no, I didn't name her after the soap opera character.  Gary Jr was a girl!
*It was totally his idea
*Relocated, killed, call it what you want.